I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You took a bar mat shot.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
