god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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