she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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