so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
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And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
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The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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