I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize