wanna go halves on a baby?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
