I understand why you refuse to be sober now
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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