I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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