Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
