My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
