seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
