My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
My cat gives me a boner
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
