not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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