At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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