You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
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When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
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I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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