We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
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See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
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I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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