Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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