i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
