thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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