"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
