her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?