So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
