Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
