I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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