I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
