You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
