I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
