I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
