You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
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I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
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Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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