hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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