he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
