Don't make out with my wife yet
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
