She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
