Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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