The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
