i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Randomize
