we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize