Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
