I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
