They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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