Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
