What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i love accidental penises.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Randomize
