I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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