That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
When are your genitals available?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
