12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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