all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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