i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
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I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
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I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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