and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
