Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
