he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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