I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
