I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
