i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
