I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
