next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
